Encounters with Reality

I live my life through people around me. it is not like fish living in water. i have defined my life not in my own terms, but in the eyes of those who watched me for parts of my life. so whenever i was puzzled about my own self, I searched it through hearts and minds of people of my connection. am i not bounded to them? But then were days when I felt that why I am not defining myself in my own terms. I crashed whatever web of relations and unspoken bonds I had around myself. and then, in my search for myself, I netted one new web, more complex and fragile than what was before. Am I not bounded even then? I never feel that there will be any meaning or any joy which I get living for just myself. I tried such patterns and in the end realized that such eccentric life is not my way. I have my preferences, I like people of my own kind. I avoid those who are not in resonance. but still, I never live just for me, just through me. bind is not about molding decisions for someone els

when you sleep with your back to cold, pleasant earth and your eyes fixed somewhere among the stars, you know that either you are feeling happy without any bound or you are out of yourself. still you sleep like that. because you want to be so unknown to you, that even you won't be able to identify yourself. such un-identity is difficult. and that's why one sleeps under the stary sky with cool wind around and memories, imaginations storming in the head and some unknown pressure mounting on you, trying to crash you down. but then why you sleep watching stars? one can sleep putting his head under the pillow. one can get drunk or one can let loose oneself with someone dear. no! one doesn't do these things when one doesn't even know what is it. there is nothing to tell, nothing to hide, nothing to repent and even nothing to ask for. what is it! may be it is space and time around yourself which is not yours. and, hence one has to look into stars. they are there. some are

he was astonished to see what he has to walk in next few days. though he had enough harsh life before, he felt this might be last and first task which he wouldn't be able to complete. he waited, not under any shade because there was nothing. he tried to see as long as he can. some mirages flashed in front of his eyes, but till wherever he sees, it was endless desert. he has map, he has food, he knows where he can get water. still one dark, deep and dull feeling of hopelessness filled him. he closed his eyes, heard his deep breath until he heard something different than wind blowing and his breaths. he saw another traveler. he or she? it was she. she was waring blue clothes, right from her head to toes. only life which was revealed was her eyes, fathomless. she asked, "should we start walking?" he responded with a brief grim and somehow started walking. they were walking for last many days. they walk together, eat together, sit at each others side. talk about what life

The whole reason to keep myself wake up through out the night is friend going to home for week long holidays. It started with foul try to have few hours sleep in the account. Desire to talk as much as I can before friend leaves and similar condition at other end scattered all plans to sleep on time and wake up early. So it was long talk, some irrational silences and then brief walks. Soon both realized that words and phrases, proverbs and quotes are not going to fill up vacuum of life. But, somehow, conversation ended on some optimistic note and ended with ‘to be continued’.. Then within hour I, my friend and one other friend took auto to reach domestic airport. It is 4.15 A.M. rickshaw driver was ready and quick as he has realized potential night charge augmented large fair. So in 20 minutes, we reached airport. I was first time at airport. And thoughts occurring in my mind were of socialist shade. I felt all those illuminated structures, well planned buildings as some unnecessa